If you’re caught between raising your young children and caring for your ageing parents, you’re part of the ‘sandwich generation’. Editor Melissa Holmes finds out more
Cat’s mum was diagnosed with Parkinson’s in 2020. She says the diagnosis “put me into a place of feeling really unsafe.” Cat’s dad is her mum’s primary carer. At 81, he’s had knee and hip replacements, and can sometimes be “out of action,” says Cat. “Mum’s diagnosis was the first time I’d had to face the fact that my parents weren’t going to be able to look after themselves.”
Cat Sims is a member of the “sandwich generation” – a group of people, often women, who are raising their children while caring for their elderly parents. It’s estimated there are between 1.3 million and 6 million multigenerational caregivers in the UK. Cat is also a podcaster and writer, who’s used her online platform to share her experiences of being caught between mothering her two children (aged seven and ten) and ‘parenting’ her parents.
ON A KNIFE EDGE
“You feel like you’re living on a knife edge,” she admits. “In a lot of ways, I’m super privileged – we’ve got money, our jobs mean we have flexibility and freedom. I’m somebody who can drop everything and go from London to Devon to look after mum and dad.” For some, there can be resentment around caring for their parents when they have so many other responsibilities, but there’s also a deep sense of gratitude and honour in caring as well. “The two things can be true at the same time,” reveals Cat. “I want nothing more than to be able to be there for mum. But this narrative that you should be grateful and joyful in your role as a carer – of course there’s an element of that – but it’s really hard. Especially if you’re in this sandwich generation and you’ve got small children, parents, a relationship, a job… It’s going to be difficult.”
A TAPESTRY OF EMOTIONS
Cat has experienced other issues as well, like the kickback from her parents who don’t always want her to care for them. She describes it as “a complex tapestry of emotions, and not all of them feel good.”
“My relationship with my mum has been complicated, but one of the biggest gifts has been that, as we’ve got older, we’ve got a lot closer,” admits Cat. “Some of my favourite moments are doing her hair and makeup, sitting and chatting. Those are the moments I’ll take with me.”
Being a multigenerational carer can have a deep impact on your family. Recently, Cat spent a month with her parents in Devon. “My youngest took my absence hard,” reveals Cat. She feels guilt around this and, although she can explain to her daughter what’s going on, “it doesn’t change the fact that she really does feel that.”
As a carer, you can feel in constant fight or flight mode, worrying about the next phone call, or always thinking one step ahead. Cat has ADHD, and told us: “In some ways, my ADHD is helpful, because I’m great in a crisis. But the more pressure with work, parenting or caring, the more my ADHD becomes noticeable.” Even without “the neurospicy stuff”, Cat says it’s emotional seeing her parents decline.
TAKE CARE
How can an intergenerational carer ensure they’re taking enough care of themselves so they can also support their family and their parents? It’s a hard act to balance. Cat recognises she needs to look after herself first, whether that’s a session at the gym or a day when everybody leaves her alone.
Cat has been “clean and sober” for almost three years, after recognising how much she was using alcohol and drugs to cope. “Part of my desire to look after myself is so that, when I have grandkids, I can be the grandparent that helps out. I want to look after myself and my body so that’s something I’m able to do.”
SUPPORT SYSTEM
What advice might Cat give to someone who finds themselves caring for their children and their elderly parents? “
Sit down and think about your support system,” she explains. “Get it in place, with lists of phone numbers, schedules, a packed bag. I’m lucky I’ve got my husband, but I also have some school mums on call.” She advises letting school know about your caring responsibilities, reminding older children that they can take on some tasks for themselves, and talking to your boss if you’re in work – being upfront with them from the start, rather than waiting until a crisis.
Cat concludes: “You need to look after yourself as well. Sometimes it feels like you’re the only one who can do everything, but if we tell others we can’t do this by ourselves, someone else will have to step up. It’s a very difficult conversation because sometimes – and I say this with love – we are at risk of confusing motherhood and martyrdom. And that breaks us.”