The sex talk you got at school? It probably skimmed over disabled people – or left them out entirely
Talking about sex and intimacy makes many people feel uncomfortable. Add disability to the conversation and, suddenly, no one knows where to look. But for disabled people like advocate and model Shelby Lynch, these conversations aren’t unsettling: they’re essential.
“People think we shouldn’t exist in any space that involves sex. They think it’s weird,” she says, describing the normal reaction she gets when she tells people she’s having intimate relations. “As soon as we start talking about sex, people get uncomfortable… like we’re monsters. But I’m still human; I have needs too.”
BETWEEN THE SHEETS
It may seem as though we’re living in a society that’s becoming increasingly inclusive. But barriers exist everywhere – especially when it comes to sexual expression.
One of the biggest challenges for disabled people is representation. “I can barely think of a single honest portrayal of disabled sex in the media,” ponders Shelby, who appeared as the cover star on Glamour magazine’s self-love issue in 2023.
Shows like Sex Education have made minor strides, but Shelby quickly points out how infrequent these depictions are. Even then, disabled characters are rarely shown navigating “real, messy, and fulfilling intimacy.”
The lack of inclusive sex education in UK schools is another failure. While LGBTQ+ content is slowly being included, disability is still absent. Shelby argues that integration into the core curriculum is key: “We don’t need a separate class. We just need inclusive education where everyone learns together.”
So, what should be included in sex ed classes? For many disabled people, intimacy requires communication, trust and a little bit of creativity – sometimes in the form of physical assistance or adaptive equipment.
“There’s so much stuff out there to help,” continues Shelby, referring to adaptive sex toys and positioning aids. Organisations like Enhance The UK (enhancetheuk.org) are among the few that are working to normalise this, offering advice and products specifically tailored to disabled users.
NAKED TRUTHS
But, practicalities aside, it’s also important to consider your vulnerability before getting involved with someone new. “Trust is everything,” reminds Shelby. “That’s why I build a friendship first. You’re in such a vulnerable position – someone could take advantage of that if they’re not the right person.”
When navigating sex with nondisabled partners, Shelby says it’s important to be open and honest: “You have to have different conversations about what you need, and what you can and can’t do,” she explains. “If it’s the right person, it shouldn’t feel like a big deal. At the end of the day, we deserve to have sex, and we deserve to feel sexy.”
So, in a nutshell, sex is different for disabled people, but that doesn’t mean it’s unfulfilling: “If people can’t understand that sex might look different, then their sex life’s probably boring,” laughs Shelby.