Living with ADHD has its challenges. How do issues like motivation, impulsive behaviour, and problems with concentration play out in a relationship? And how can neurotypical people best support their neurodivergent partners?
Imagine being in a relationship where you constantly think the other person doesn’t really love you. Or resenting the fact you have to do all the household chores, because your partner doesn’t have the ‘get up and go’ to get things done. For mixed couples, where one has ADHD and the other is neurotypical, relationships can be trying. “The first challenge is understanding that ADHD is there at all,” admits Melissa Orlov, author of the book ‘The ADHD Effect on Marriage’.
MISINTERPRETATION
“So many adults who have it are not diagnosed, so they don’t realise why these relationship patterns are there,” says Melissa. “There’s a lot of misinterpretation of the ADHD symptoms that can lead to distress.” She highlights that one of the main symptoms of adult ADHD – distractibility – can be misinterpreted as your partner not caring about you or loving you.
Richard and Roxanne Pink have gained over 2.5 million online fans with their honest, informative videos about ADHD and relationships.
“The thing I found the hardest about my own behaviour was memory,” explains Roxy, who was diagnosed with ADHD in 2021.
“I’ve forgotten anniversaries, buying gifts, dinners out,” she says. “Obviously that impacts relationships. In our first couple of years together, the shame of that was intolerable.” But Richard, who is neurotypical, doesn’t see the issue: “I don’t care that she forgets birthdays or anniversaries!” he laughs. Rich’s main challenge is his desire for a tidy house. “I understand this can be difficult for Rox,” he reveals. “It’s sometimes really difficult to express my needs without sounding shaming, critical or judgmental.”
CURIOSITY, NOT JUDGEMENT
Communication is key for any mixed couple, to acknowledge the differences in priorities and ways of thinking, and to try to create a judgement-free environment in which the relationship can thrive. “We have a phrase,” says Richard. “Curiosity, not judgement. It’s just being curious about what’s going on for each other.” Roxanne feels the words and tone used within the partnership are important. “It’s for Rich to be clear, but also kind,” she shares. “And it’s for me to be accountable, and not defensive or upset. It’s communicating from a place where you see the other person as having good intentions, knowing their needs really matter.”
Melissa Orlov holds a similar view. “Developing a habit of transparency means the person who’s struggling to do things needs to have the space to speak up, and the other person needs to be able to receive what they say non-judgmentally and embrace it,” she advises. “So rather than saying, ‘I can’t believe you didn’t do that again’, you would say ‘Ok, I trust you’ll get to it another time’.”
KEEP THINGS INTERESTING
Melissa describes the ADHD brain as reward focused. She told us: “If you can create rewards or games to keep a task interesting, or create rituals of connection – like gratitude interactions before you go to bed – those things can really help.”
Richard and Roxanne have taken that a step further by developing a body doubling app to make dull tasks more interesting. Roxanne struggles with cleaning: “It’s a massive area of shame,” she admits. “Rich made me little educational videos – step one, do this; step two, do that – and it changed the game.” They then worked with developers to transform their idea into an app called Dubbii, focusing on tasks like getting up in the morning, self-care and decluttering.
SELF-CARE
When two worlds collide, and two people with different neurochemistry fall in love, magic can really happen. But it’s important that the neurotypical person doesn’t get caught in a parentchild dynamic, taking on the struggles of their neurodivergent partner. “This is the number one issue I see by the time couples are struggling,” explains Melissa. “I encourage each partner to look to themselves and organise their own behaviour in a way that makes them even partners again. That takes quite a lot of work.”
“Strap in for some turbulence,” Rich laughs. But seriously, his advice for neurotypical partners of ADHD people is: “Knowledge – take the time to understand, ask questions, be curious. And don’t forget yourself. It would be really easy to get lost in the needs of the neurodivergent person, but there are two humans in the relationship.”
FOR MORE INFORMATION
Follow Richard and Roxanne Pink on instagram: @adhd_love_ and TikTok: @adhd_love). Their new book, Small Talk, is out now.
Discover Melissa Orlov’s work and courses at www.adhdmarriage.com.