Dani Elm – who became paralysed in a car accident in which she also lost her daughter – speaks to Editor Melissa Holmes about rebuilding her life, future surrogacy plans and turning heartbreak into healing
When Dani Elm talks about adapting to life after a catastrophic car accident in 2018, she’s clear on one thing: “You find out what you can do. It’s not about what you can’t do.”
Dani and husband Dan also lost their daughter, four-year-old Darcy, in the accident. “I didn’t start grieving properly until I got home,” Dani recalls. “I was in hospital for so long – everybody was focused on keeping me alive.” After weeks in a coma, Dani learned she’d sustained a spinal injury, which was initially missed while doctors treated her brain injury. She spent seven months at Salisbury Spinal Treatment Centre.
With no accessible accommodation nearby, her medical team suggested a care home placement. Dani refused. “I said: ‘My daughter died. I need my family. I’m not going anywhere’.” She spent months living at her mother’s inaccessible house, showering under a gazebo outside as there was no adapted bathroom.
BUILDING A LIFE
After an insurance settlement, Dani and Dan were able to buy and adapt a large home near their families. “I didn’t want a bungalow,” she says. “I wanted a house, in my town, where we could build a life.”
Community has always been important to Dani, and local help has been instrumental in her recovery. After the accident, fundraisers gathered £20,000 towards Darcy’s funeral and support for the family.
Dani works hard to give back. She’s written a memoir – Our Last Steps – an open-hearted look at trauma, loss, and learning to live in a changed body.
Half of the book’s proceeds are being donated to 2Wish, which provides support to those affected by sudden death in young people. The other half will be donated to Swanage Carnival, which Dani and her mum have been involved with for 24 years. Dani funds the Carnival’s community night (taking place on 29 July), which features local performers and a firework display. “Darcy loved fireworks,” she says. “Now we light up the sky in her memory – hopefully she sees them from heaven.”
STRONGER TOGETHER
Dani talks openly about subjects that are often left out of conversations around acquired disability: intimacy, relationships, mental health and parenthood. “We’ve always wanted three children,” she reveals. “We’ve got one. She’s never been in this house, but she oozes from these walls; she’s here.” After fertility treatment was unsuccessful, the couple found support through online spinal injury communities and surrogacy networks. “That was the moment I realised there was still life ahead of us,” Dani says. She and Dan hope to grow their family through surrogacy.
But it’s not been easy. “I thought about times that I could end it,” she admits. “Then I’d look at the people around me and realise we still needed each other.” Dani has a team of round-the-clock carers, and says it was important for Dan to remain as her husband, not her carer. “I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. If your relationship’s not strong, you’re going to break. But we always say we’re stronger together.”
Led by her heart and supported by the love of her family and community, Dani says: “Everyone’s got their own way of doing things. If you choose life, you’ll find your own way.”